Normal Diary

 14 March 2023

I'm actually lazy to write this, but for journalistic purpose so I can track down my progression and to check whether I am doin something meaningful or just pretending to doin some shit. 

Today and yesterday I read a lot, cant say much about what I read tho cos, u know, forgot all of those. But at least I remember some shit, little to none. I'm glad that I actually did that, I feel that I did something that I'm suppose to do. 

I am currently studying MCAT, trying to go into medschool. But, there are lot of buts, I hope I can make it. It is like a lifetime choice. Once u made it, u carry that pride till u lie on the death bed basically. 

One of my teacher told me, if you're purpose of being a doctor is to help people, then forget it. It is a super mainstream purpose or interview answer that became a cliche and lost its meaning. But dont chase for money either, cos they dont really pay that much compare if you do sales or business. Then what the fuck should you chase for if you decide to go to medschool? Pride is it? To boost your family name. To make ur parents ass damn proud of what you did and do. Even tho 90 percent you use their money to achieve that. Irony, but that's why we should always love our parents and thank them. God bless all parents in this world. Amen. 

    Anyway I practice my guitar chords, maj and min sevents. Will work on dominanth and diminished    tomorrow and hopefully I can master melodic and harmonic minor chords as well. I count this as progress so yeah. I want to master the fretboard and piano as well. I love music. Hopefully I can be john mayer too. Fuck, i have too many wishes.

I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I freakingly love guitar and I swear i'm actually really good at it. But my old-fashion freak parents dont want me to pursue music. I could start a band really. Or at least a goo doyutube channel. Worst case scenario is a guitar sales. Or I could teach guitar at some private lesson or make my own website. Basically doin what I love. I think i have the looks. I can look like those k-pop idol that make girl scream even if I breathe funny. pfft. 

I haven't get a job in indo either.  Wasted two fcking years of doin nothing. But ngl i do enjoyed it. But sometimes I feel like a useless piece of shit. Which i am rn. The whole purpose was to get a singapoore degree then get a job there. but boom, covid appeared out of nowhere, and i cant get a job. now i got to go back to indo. I was motivated to look a job in indo, like i have really high motivation and energy onto it. but overtime everything is become shit. There are lot of things that I dont write here but i feel it's kinda shit. so yeah. 

Now, i still looking for a job in indo and sg. While also helping my sister opening up her business which i dont like, but i cant say no cos she paid my university and all. But its all fucking useless in the end if you ended up working in indo. The salary not gonna cover your unviersity debt. Fuck!!. 

 

I need to be rich. My fam was poor and now is way much better i would say. But its all not my money and i dont want to use their money. So i will find my own. I always thinking buy lots of guitar that i like. And sometimes i also put this in my mind. I will buy my dad a new house. But i somehow forget about that. need to think of it more so it manifest. Amen.

Overall it is not a perfect world. I hate my brother, my sister, my dad, and little to my mom. But she's the best!! But I do not resent them, I wish them all the best. And hope can do more to them.