Normal Diary

 14 March 2023

I'm actually lazy to write this, but for journalistic purpose so I can track down my progression and to check whether I am doin something meaningful or just pretending to doin some shit. 

Today and yesterday I read a lot, cant say much about what I read tho cos, u know, forgot all of those. But at least I remember some shit, little to none. I'm glad that I actually did that, I feel that I did something that I'm suppose to do. 

I am currently studying MCAT, trying to go into medschool. But, there are lot of buts, I hope I can make it. It is like a lifetime choice. Once u made it, u carry that pride till u lie on the death bed basically. 

One of my teacher told me, if you're purpose of being a doctor is to help people, then forget it. It is a super mainstream purpose or interview answer that became a cliche and lost its meaning. But dont chase for money either, cos they dont really pay that much compare if you do sales or business. Then what the fuck should you chase for if you decide to go to medschool? Pride is it? To boost your family name. To make ur parents ass damn proud of what you did and do. Even tho 90 percent you use their money to achieve that. Irony, but that's why we should always love our parents and thank them. God bless all parents in this world. Amen. 

    Anyway I practice my guitar chords, maj and min sevents. Will work on dominanth and diminished    tomorrow and hopefully I can master melodic and harmonic minor chords as well. I count this as progress so yeah. I want to master the fretboard and piano as well. I love music. Hopefully I can be john mayer too. Fuck, i have too many wishes.

I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I freakingly love guitar and I swear i'm actually really good at it. But my old-fashion freak parents dont want me to pursue music. I could start a band really. Or at least a goo doyutube channel. Worst case scenario is a guitar sales. Or I could teach guitar at some private lesson or make my own website. Basically doin what I love. I think i have the looks. I can look like those k-pop idol that make girl scream even if I breathe funny. pfft. 

I haven't get a job in indo either.  Wasted two fcking years of doin nothing. But ngl i do enjoyed it. But sometimes I feel like a useless piece of shit. Which i am rn. The whole purpose was to get a singapoore degree then get a job there. but boom, covid appeared out of nowhere, and i cant get a job. now i got to go back to indo. I was motivated to look a job in indo, like i have really high motivation and energy onto it. but overtime everything is become shit. There are lot of things that I dont write here but i feel it's kinda shit. so yeah. 

Now, i still looking for a job in indo and sg. While also helping my sister opening up her business which i dont like, but i cant say no cos she paid my university and all. But its all fucking useless in the end if you ended up working in indo. The salary not gonna cover your unviersity debt. Fuck!!. 

 

I need to be rich. My fam was poor and now is way much better i would say. But its all not my money and i dont want to use their money. So i will find my own. I always thinking buy lots of guitar that i like. And sometimes i also put this in my mind. I will buy my dad a new house. But i somehow forget about that. need to think of it more so it manifest. Amen.

Overall it is not a perfect world. I hate my brother, my sister, my dad, and little to my mom. But she's the best!! But I do not resent them, I wish them all the best. And hope can do more to them.

Slave to the Rhythm

"She's a slave to the rhythm

A slave to the rhythm of

The rhythm of love, the rhythm of love" 

    Heard of that somewhere? Yes, it's a song by the King of POP Michael Jackson, RIP for him. 

It is a very good song indeed, but who is "she" refer to in this song? Does this song tellin' a positive or negative side of her story? Welp, I'll leave it to you all for decide. I do like this song though.

    If we can tell people that they are a slave to something, what are we enslaved to? 

    Power? Money? Pride? Ego? Dream?

    Umm, your boss? Or maybe person that you endear most and important to you? 

    My dad always tells me to do something, chores, etc. Not ask, tell. It's like having an order from the queen that no one can't say no to. But of course, I can't seem to refuse to him. Does that make me a slave to him? Welp probably not, because I can just say no to him, while slaves don't have choices, aren't they? Umm... 

    On one fine day, I tried to say no to him. Welp guess what? Correct!! He tells me to do it again, only this time he gets fucking louder. And it pissed me off! The thing he tells me to do was only to pay a guy that brings water gallon to our house, why can't he do it himself? I don't fucking understand, he dresses well that day and nothing to hide about. The water guy is a fucking mess to tbf, he brings his cart inside my dad's lawn to make his job easier. The problem is that his cart has no rubber shit or something that protect its steel base onto the ceramic floor. My dad was fucking mad to me ffs, and to that rubbish moron too for sure. Still, why he wouldn't just go out and pay to that moron himself? What seems to be the problem? Pride? I have no clue to this day. Then I took the money then give to the man, and yell to cart guy, "don't fucking go inside next time!".

    He always mad to fucking small problem available and wants everything to be perfect, I guess. But I don't really want to know why. Maybe cos he's a very wise and deep thought mind though, all his friends admire and ask for advice from him. It's hard to know what's going on inside his mind, and no one can't seem to deny his words when he's telling something to anyone. He's the smartest people in the room, his room, exactly. I would love to see one smarter shit ass person says he fucked up abt something. Just one time please, come on. 

    He's no businessman or shit, but he fixed radio, tape, or amplifier for living. Now he retires since my sister has got a great job with great money. He doesn't go out having fun or eat at restaurant or shits, cos he doesn't see any value in it. What a loser, right? He always tells me to not say something bad to other people. Other people don't mean his people probably, like his son and daughter. I often hear him callin' my sister and my brother fool or stupid. I mean they might be wrong about something, but does that make them a fool? Come on daddy! Let me hear u praise something good about my sister or my brother or me please? Will we ever hear that? Don't think so. Don't he even know that his words are powerful? most of the family and his friend listen to him. But he can't say something good to his children ffs. Fucking full of theory and fucking fuller of bullshit if he can't do that.

    Not everyone loves their dad, we know that. But I do love my dad, I believe most people are, and I am sorry if you don't, I don't mean to hurt your feeling. I've always wanted to buy a house for him and give him everything he needs and wants. That was my main motivation to get a job and make money, (yes, I'm unemployed, my bad, i dont even why I make a blog bitching about my dad) otherwise I don't know what to do with my life. It was until I've had enough of that. Somehow my desire to get a job change from that to "I want to get out from this house and avoid him for some time". It is a fucking wrong mindset. Fuck me! It's all because he's so fucking unreachable and hard to talk with. Everything I said that's important, or my opinion is wrong and belong in the trash. That's prolly my main reason why I don't enjoy talk with him. Bet my mom felt that too, I don't know. Was she ever happy living a long time with him? It's too late for me to ask though, she died of stroke last two years. But FUCK yeah, I never FUCKING hear my dad praise my mom, mostly he belittled my mom and make funny of her. I don't know about their dating life but what does that matter now? He was dead inside and now even emptier. I don't blame him for this. 

    To go back to where I was is by just moving forward, I guess. Maybe I have that mindset cos I don't wanna have this harsh thought about him. Who knows. I always keep it inside, maybe it is full already and it needs to be emptied by writing this. 

    But in the end, my dad is a very caring person, I know he wants their child to be the best out of him. It's just that he never says good shit about their child. And maybe my emotional needs are not gonna be filled from him. It's okay, I'll get used to it. I am still going to be his slave tho, and maybe I've always wanted it, as it is the only thing that make me have a conversation with my dad. And to serve him to the very end as he's getting weaker as years gone by, I need to get my shit together. If I can never buy him a big house, great cars, and fill his bank account every month, but I serve him to the very end, I don't mind it. If that's my life purpose, so be it. But of course, I want to give him big house, great cars, and fill his bank account every month. Hope that comes true. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2022! 🎅